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May. 20th, 2011 | 10:01 am

let's get this started again.

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Something wicked this way comes...

Jan. 4th, 2007 | 10:00 pm
mood: discontentWeeping

2007. Not a year for me, it would seem. Only day four and the shit has hit the fan. And yet at the same time I seem to be the happiest ive even been with someone who might even love me. But then again, if things continue as they seem to be, that might not be true, it may just be a delusion of mine. Maybe things arent as they seem, are they just innocent glances I see, or something more? Who knows? Not I, though I can only hope. Be that as it may, I think for the first time in my life I am almost complete.

Even though my heart is breaking.

Things cannot go back to the way they once were. It is too late for that....

Death, accidents, and surgeries. Why........

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Ah, it tastes so sweet

Dec. 31st, 2006 | 10:33 pm
mood: enthralledEnlightened
music: Un Monde Parfait

So. What I would like to know is how something like this could happen, and to someone like me? It is.... unexpected to say the least, and I'm not sure what to do. All I know is I'm not backing out, not going to run away anymore.

I am in love.

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Sep. 7th, 2006 | 04:52 pm
mood: crushedExhausted
music: Hanging by a moment

You scored as Hot. You are Hot, you scream and are wild, people love doing anything sexual with you.


















What is your sexual style?
created with QuizFarm.com

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Aug. 30th, 2006 | 06:49 pm
mood: draineddrained
music: He's Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon

This is rich. Absolutely devine. The greatest ecsasy of the grandest kind.

And it's so funny I could cry. It wouldn't be the first time - but that obviously means im doing the right thing. No matter what..... I'm such a screw-up.

School has me very stressed and very sad. Its gotten to the point where I am not sleeping again, and eating it a problem - fluids a rarity. I get by - when I get chills or the shakes, or overwhelming headaches, I do something about it. But all the same.... I can't shake my optimism, but the sadness still comes. I know why, but knowing why doesn't make it go away.... Well.... I just have to lock it up - it doesn't matter anyway.

Staring at the back of your head
My heart beats in my throat
Hoping someday you may love me
Feel something more for me than that

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Apr. 18th, 2006 | 08:30 pm
mood: anxiousanxious

I cant stop it. Not this time, not anytime. Never never never never never never never......

I cannot. I hurt so bad and I cannot stop it, it will not stop.

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Perfect Silence

Mar. 20th, 2006 | 09:29 pm
mood: contemplativecontemplative
music: Blank and Jones

The most perfect silence is
when there is no need to speak
the most perfect silence is
when there's no need to explain

The most perfect moment is
when we just come from different circumstances
but the stream of lust flows into the same direction

The most perfect silence is
when there's no need of showing
something is true
when you see the same pictures
from another point of view

When there's no need to search the outside
no need to linger on
not a single something left to distract you
no need to want

Don't you see how I long
how I long
for that moment to come?

Don't you see how I long
how I long
for that moment to come?

The most perfect silence is
when there's no need to speak
the most perfect silence is
when there's no need to explain

When there's no need to search the outside
no need to linger on
not a single something left to distract you
no need to want

Don't you see how I long
how I long
for that moment to come?

Don't you see how I long
how I long
for that moment to come?

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The Probability of the Rain

Mar. 12th, 2006 | 01:45 pm
mood: contemplativeI smell cheese...
music: Trance mix

Who is John Galt?

Many topics have been subject to my highly improbable "rants", but none so much as religion and love. It does seem slightly ironic, that the two should be placed in the some breath of each other, but it's true. Whether I speak of the irrational devotion as a "Shauna-nite", and how she will smite you and ever whale that ever attempts to cross her path, or cry about the pain tears of the heart make and they make their slow trek down to my soul. Either of the two I can engage myself in for hours on end, both being very rhetoric and quite unanswerable, and yet it seems that I have the key to both. The answer to everything is in my grasp, and with my vast capacity for understanding, it is quite simple for me to believe that no answer is ever absolute, for the truth is evolves just as the human race does... and yet I can stay satisfied. No... that is not true, for I cannot be satisfied with what I know. The answer to everything is simple, as is the answer to love, though I still find myself incapable of realising that the one thing I need is something that will never be mine. She must be out there, if ever I find she is not then what would my purpose here be? My purpose is to share all that I know.... with her. But....

Who is John Galt?

Sometimes when I lie in the dark curled about my most precious possessions, I think. The things I discover in my deprived stupor built from months of insomnia fill me with wonder and incrediable insights. Every entry logged into my mind is driven into the light, made real. Be it the rememberence of past lives or fantasies in the scenarios in this current one, all are made real.

So, who is John Galt?

Religion is a very odd prospect for me. Humans attach themselves to these silly ideas that everything happens for a reason, and that reason is that some omnipresent, stupendous god wills it so. It's quite fasinating that for so many years people have entertained the idea that someone does all the magnificent things that gods do. They don't realize that all the things that their "gods" did was just the ingeniuous ingenuity of this human race. Their fear in which they don't understand is layed upon some unsuspencting god, just so they can feel better of themselves. It's quite funny, and alittle sad. Don't get me wrong, I don't go off and bash people for their beliefs, for these are mine and I would never wish to harm anyone by shattering their careful world. You must realize that you may disagree with me, but I don't disagree with you. Go ahead, by all means.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and I have experienced it enough that is would be ignorant to think otherwise. What I believe, though, is that everything is action and reaction. Cause and effect. One thing happens and the dominoes fall into the sequence of events that go on everyday around us. It is too vast a pattern to see, or stop for that matter, because we fail to realize that what we do today, be it walk on the grass in our yard or breath the air in one place too long, may not effect us now, but will effect a future so unpredictable that the moment the effect takes place we don't ever notice the change.

But, who is John Galt?

I may not know everything, but what I do know is that I am me, and I cannot allow anyone to change that.

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I know....

Feb. 9th, 2006 | 03:31 pm
mood: worriedworried
music: Listen to your heart - Roxette

I don't understand how it is I know so much, yet can't seem to figure out the most vital, most plain-in-sight things. It's mind-boggling, really. A real getcha-downer.

By the prickling of our thumbs...

Something will happen soon, something that involves me and another. I do not know what that is yet, but it will be big. And I may break. This may either hold my salvation or damnation, all with how I handle it. Or if I will want to...


Something wicked this way comes.

Something else will happen as well. But until I can see all of it, it is not worth mentioning. But it will be bad, and it will go either one of two ways. It has to do with whatever happens to me, then will blossom into a catastrophe that I will not be able to control or stop until it is too late.

I am going to rot in hell for what I do. And all I can do is laugh!

It's not as though my dreams help any. A feeling of dread thats been contaminating my emotions as of late has been building since yesterday. This happens sometimes, and something always happens. If I ignore, I pay the price of not being emotionally prepared for it. If I listen to it, I pay the price of knowing it will come and not being able to stop it.

It seems as though i'm caught in something beyond me, at this point.

I wish I never had these feelings sometimes. People are simply not meant to know some things, things of which assossiate itself with my everyday life. But sometimes, it is a blessing in disguise.

And this blessing is wearing those fake glassed with a 'stash.

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Moving on

Feb. 8th, 2006 | 04:29 pm
mood: drained...sleep...
music: Princess Mononoke Soundtrack

Man it takes a silly girl
to lie about the dreams she has,
But it takes a lonely one,
to wish that she had never dreamt at all."

Quotes will ensue:

"All I wanted is you to be happy, this is how I feel, I only want you to be happy, and if you being happy means letting you go, then so be it. If you love someone you'll let them go… But then you come to the realization that they're gone, and then you either move on or dwell in your sorrow, and for the time being, I've moved on...But I have always heard that what you let go comes back to you...IF they really love you...so think about that."

So, i'm not entirely.... stable, at the moment. I will break out of this, but what i'm afraid of is if I ever let go... I mean really let go, will I ever come back? I may, but if I do, it will destroy a piece of me... A part of me just doesnt care anymore....

It doesnt matter, its not worth it. Let go...

Maybe part of me wants to stay, but all-in-all February is never a good month for me. I just want to disappear, and never find my way back. It doesnt seem to be worth hanging on... Not to be alone in the end anyway. But everything happens for a reason, Ally, you know we believe that. No matter what this is our purpose and we have to live by it. It is our purpose to be alone, to understand, and to learn.

But what is the point in knowing, if you can't share it? What is the meaning of life, if it's not worth living?

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return...

If my purpose is to learn, then the greatest thing I can learn is to love and be loved, but how does one do this when you are cursed? I fully believe the meaning of life is to learn and love. And I do love. That is worst part of it.

It may be time to do what you know needs to be done. It does seem wrong to do it now, again, but it also isn't fair to torture yourself anymore.

What should I do?

Rough and tumble love and rumble
Sticking things that dont belong
In places dark, celebant of life
Knowing all along the things that haunt
Your dreams, your eyes
The selfless lair of your mind.

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